Off the grid

 

It has been a long and sad time. Yet I’m more than happy to be back. The last three months in my life were straight out of a horror drama. Unexpected twists and turns shook us to the core. It wasn’t all bad.

There was a silver lining. I got my driver’s license and published my first book. That doesn’t seem so bad. Does it? However, my first trip after I got my license was to the hospital and my book didn’t do quite well to generate enough funds. You might say I am being skeptical and pointing out just the negatives. How did a positive and highly confident person stoop this low? Maybe fate played a role or maybe this is what life is; a horror- drama with bits of happiness and love.

I held back from bursting out into tears. Something strong took over me and kept me moving. I was the strongest person I ever knew. I didn’t falter even once. Nothing confused me anymore and I couldn’t shed a tear even when I wanted to it. My fears and sadness were trapped within me with no escape. My sister who is a psychology student advised me to let it all out. That’s right. Just like Disney’s ‘Frozen’; to ‘let it all go’.

Watching sad and heartbreaking movies was the first option. But I couldn’t even watch the past 10 minutes. My mind would cloud itself and suffocate me. Scary thoughts and dreams followed. Then something strange happened. I read about a certain genre of drama that worked like therapy. You wouldn’t believe it if I told you Korean drama brought me out of the emotional coma. I owe it to Korean dramas. I had started watching them earlier but their significance in my life rose during the hardest times. I cried my heart out, I smiled, I laughed and the balance was restored.

It was my dream come true to work in a foreign country, drive to work, and live alone. I got it all. But not even remotely in the way I had hoped. Maybe this is why we should wish for and dream things with a lot of parameters and variables.

I learned a few things from all that happened around me. Some of them were eye-opening, some funny, and some just plain ridiculous. Your connections and friends that you make throughout your life give back to you in the most unexpected ways. You never know unless you find yourself cruising through rough tides. The number of calls and messages I received was overwhelming. Sometimes they exhausted me. Sometimes they just made me sad. It would be wrong to say all calls were that way. But some helped without even a call or message. I still receive messages and calls whenever I post something or even share something. It has turned tiring and exhausting. Each time I relive the horrors and pain when the question pops; “What happened to your father?”, “How is he now?” Or “How did it all happen?“. One of my acquaintances who had lost his father recently messaged me saying,” Everything will be fine” followed by the most honest message I had received in a long time. “I know it feels like crap every time you get this message. Nothing is gonna be fine in a long long time. I know because I have been through this. Yet everyone clings to these meaningless words. I wish I could help you.”

I don’t know how but this message greatly comforted and consoled me. For once, a message blurted out the harsh truth and it instantly made me feel better. I wouldn’t blame anyone for messaging me, even though some did it out for the sake of doing it. Some of them wanted to help, kept checking in, and asked if I wanted to just cry out or needed a shoulder to lean on.

We still don’t know if things are better or if they are still the same. What we know for sure is that we will fare these hard times. We might stop for a while or fall but we will keep going on. That’s all we are sure about now.

Publishing my first book was one of the biggest milestones I had. It was on my bucket list. It feels surreal to have my name on a book. A book that talks of all the great times we had in our life. The best of best memories of my childhood. One of the most special things that happened to me this year. I dreamt of selling 200 copies and generating funds and be of help to my father. Well, not all dreams come true. Does it hurt? Yes. But do I feel bad about it? No, whatever it may be, it still is my first book, my pride. However insignificant the amount generated may be, it still counts. Always remember, however little or huge your contribution is, it is the intention behind it that matters. I didn’t say this. It is from the Bible; one of the most sold books on the planet.

Now that I am back on track you can expect frequent posts from me. And by frequent I mean my old pace, just kidding.

I don’t remember asking for blessings, prayers, and support anywhere on my blog. But now I need even the slightest luck you can pass onto me.

Forever grateful,

Reshmy Raphy

Published Author ( I had to do it, that’s how proud I am.)

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